20 years old and still a silly little girl

I know what it feels like to care about someone deeply and to experience the pain that occurs when they don't return that care and affection. I've been there (who hasn't?) I thought I was gonna die (silly I know, but it happens) but I made it through and it made me a better and stronger person (I think). 

Currently I am on the other side of the equation. I just ended a 3-month relationship-of-sorts and while it's hard for me and I do still care about him, I'm not even close to the level of hurt he's on without me. He is torn up. I try not to feel guilty but I didn't just stop caring about him. I'm not a heartless bitch, but I know he can tell it's not the same for me as it is for him and I know he feels inadequate because of that. I wish I could make it better, but the best way for me to do that is to stay away from him and let him heal because every time I talk to him, it messes with his head and that's not right.

I realize that down the road he'll look back at this situation and remember the pain, but he'll be in such a different and better place that it won't even matter in the slightest, but for now it's hard for me not to feel bad about it. I do not like hurting people!! ><

And of course there's always another complication...

there's someone else in my life who I'm starting to fall for. I have no idea if anything's going to come of it and I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but new romances are just ever so exciting!

and new might not be the best word either. We have history, but it's late and I'm getting tired. More relationship ranting later. :)

mmmmm kisses 

pshh

my xanga is boring, i suck at blogging

2011

new years resolutions:

* take better care of myself (eat better, exercise more, save money, etc.)

* learn a new craft (friendship bracelets, be expecting one soon!)

* drink less often/lesser amounts each time

* use my sewing machine more than almost never

* read more books

* write letters

* stay informed on local and world news

* always brush my teeth, wash my face, & take my contacts out before bed no matter how drunk I am

* get all As

I think that's all for now. If I think of something else, I'll add it. I have a really good feeling about this semester/year. Yayayay :)

To-do List:

* pay electric bill

* pay phone bill

* pay speeding ticket

* buy German workbook

* do Up til Dawn application

* bring clothes to goodwill/plato's closet

* pay m&d back laptop repair money

* pay Julia back Canada money

* make a grocery list

* make list of things to buy when i have extra $ (never hahaha)

* take care of the shit under my desk

* organize desk drawers and top dresser drawer

* get a passport

* go to the bank 

* figure out what school I'm going to go to in Germany

* go see Communications advisor

* do laundry

* get a haircut

sorry if you read this post and were really bored, it was really just for me, hahaha :P

today

I just accidentally pulled an all-nighter. I was not intending on not sleeping, but I guess that's the way things go sometimes. In 5 days I turn 20. I know it's really not that big of a deal in the long run, but it's weird to think that I won't be a teenager any longer. Unfortunately my skin still thinks that I'm a teenager, I just wish it would behave, it makes me self-conscious when my skin is all broken out.

I just decided to change my major/minor from Secondary Education: English with a minor in Communications and Psychology to a Public Relations major with Political Science, Psychology and German minors. I might even end up making German a second major, I'm not sure yet. I am crazy, I know and I am going to be in college forever, but I'll figure it out and make it work.

In 5 years I see myself working as a public relations specialist or lobbyist or something like that at either an American company in Germany or a German company in America that works on environmental issues. Money is super tight right now, I need to come up with some kind of budget plan that I can stick to, I've been a lot more stress-free this semester or rather I've been handling my stress a lot better, but money is one thing that always gets me. My grades for this semester should be pretty decent so over the summer I can apply for and hopefully receive some scholarships. 

It's so weird to think that since high school I have changed so much, but at the same time remained so much the same. There are things about myself that I love and want to bring out more and show off to the world and the people that I care about and there are also a lot of things that I want to change about myself. That's what I'm focusing on right now. The most important things to me right now are making sure my body and mind are healthy, doing well in school and learning as much as I can, managing my stress/emotions, and being someone that I love so that my relationships with others will be really good ones.

Growing up is weird.

weird. weird. weird. Everything is weird. I am weird, but it's okay. I am growing up, but I am doing my own thing. I am not conforming to anyone else's ideals, I just know now what I need to do to be who I want to be. 

we want the summertime!

summer goals (so far)

-get drunk at the beach

-trip on acid in a field with j & k

-go camping without my parents

-paint all of my nails a different color

-have coffee at every coffeehouse in kalamazoo & grand rapids

-spend a week in california in august visiting my nephew

-celebrate obscure holidays (by drinking esp.)

-paint! paint! paint! &decorate

-learn a new (card,board,drinking) game

-read 10 books i've never read before

-buy Jimbob a Western onesie

-check out my tattoo drawing

-get my tongue pierced w/ j

-grow something

-get a killer tan

-visit every park in kalamazoo (and write)

-have numerous dinner parties

-go to Tues night swing dancing in GR

-go to as many botm as possible

-kiss someone in the rain

-bike as much as possible

(to be continued)